Choices

I have not been purposeful in my life. My choices were not courageous, if there were choices at all. I am driven by a desperate need for security so deep, I am beyond risk adverse.

I despise the yuppie town I was born and still live in. My house is the house my parents built. I do not love it. I long to have a small farm and bring Jigs home, maybe get a donkey or a goat, or both. But I am stuck here. I really should sell because I can barely afford the real estate taxes that since the early 70s have grown so high, they drove out many longtime residents and all working farms. The result is neighborhood after neighborhood of McMansions with manicured lawns. Horses are not welcome.

Only those with ridiculously high salaries can afford to live here. I tell myself to sell, but fear kicks in.

My career is the same. I fell into the security of a boring job, allowing others to make choices for me. I should have found another path years ago.  Close to retirement, it is too late. I am a lame duck. I would retire now but I cannot afford health insurance or the taxes on my house without income.

Paralyzed by fear, I am stuck.

Fear has creeped into my riding. I stopped riding on the road alone. I do not canter much. Last weekend I wimped out for fear of ice on the trails and walked with Jigs nearly 5 miles on the road. I should have ridden in the woods. I let both of us down.

I have no right to lament. I have so much. I was given opportunities others were not. My failure is not capitalizing on them.

Long Walk

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5 Comments on “Choices”

  1. Cob Jockey Says:

    This is deep and beautiful and brave just to write ❤


  2. Ah, but remember, you have accomplished great things. Maybe now is the time to publish a book of your brilliant poetry?

  3. L. Williams Says:

    Hey there – I actually came to find you – you called me rude on Amanda’s post on her blog : https://beljoeor.com/2021/02/15/riding-a-new-horse/ and that is fair but I am not the writer of the blog so continue to follow her if you find her writing compelling. Me of course you don’t need to follow at all. Also your choice.


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