Posted tagged ‘family’

Remembering Who I Am

August 23, 2010

The least few years have been a mix of joy and wonder along with frustration, sorrow, and the continuing realization that I am mortal.

At 52, I know who I am. I know who I am not. I’ve given up the adolescent dream of being a poet, of writing a memoir, or leaving behind anything except the children I bore and their descendants. That is how it should be.

A few Saturdays ago I threw away years of journals kept during my years of being a single parent. They were stained with mold from water damage but could have been salvaged. They were full of solipsistic obsessions on myself and my ‘loneliness.’ And there were drafts of poems- I am sorry about loosing poems.

But I am not the woman on those pages. I wouldn’t recognize her if I met her on the street. She was a struggling single mom barely making enough money to raise two girls. She was selfish and cowardly, yet not afraid of doing what needed to be done. She indulged her children to the point of spoiling them.

We live our lives with what we are given and some of us make more than others of what we have. Some are never given enough of an opportunity to do much more than survive. I don’t think I believe that each human can be 100% actualized. I want to believe in equality but reality doesn’t match up. Equality is a nice dream.

Generosity and great heart does not always lead to happy endings. Life savings are lost. Those we love make mistakes. Our faces grow lined and etched with spots. We will all die one day.

I do believe in reincarnation and the idea that we keep returning until we learn what we need to know. I guess there is an equality in that but on the eternal scale.

The woman in the journal who was so enamored of her sorrow doesn’t exist any more. She grew out of it. She faces each day secure in the knowledge that what will be, will be. Some days we laugh; some days we cry; but everyday we learn and grow older.

She doesn’t keep a journal any more.

Of Baby Showers and Other Distractions

June 12, 2010

The last few weeks have been consumed with the upcoming Baby Shower. My youngest is due in July (though looks like it will be June). Tomorrow there is a Jack ‘n Jill Cookout slash Baby Shower.

I never made it to my own baby shower years ago. I was in labor while the women of the family were ohh and ahh’ing over tiny blankets and onsies. Oddly enough, I felt luck at that…. a month early is a good thing sometimes…. Showers have never been the top of the list for fun things to do.

But last week I actually enjoyed my daughter’s best friends shower. Even the silly games. And I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow. Am I getting soft in my old age?

Or is it that the older we get, the more we appreciate the approach of a new life? My two existing grandsons are not babies any more. I really do look forward to holding an infant again. It’s confirmation that despite this insane and broken world, the future will still come. Hope comes in small packages.

And this world is broken… we’ve allowed unbridled greed to drive policy and allowed profits to be more important than human life.

The Military-industrial complex is responsible for fabricating wars. BP is responsible for destroying an Eco-system and the lives of individuals who were just trying to help their families survive. Death in scales that are unimaginable.

Yet, babies are still born. Tomorrow will come. Hope lives.